That’s my boy

My boy is home for one night only. He hasn’t said he has come home to see his mum, no he said he was coming home to see his brothers and the cat……I doubt she is bothered whether he is here or not. All she cares about is being fed and having attention when she wants it. Unfortunately she is out of luck when I am the only one around…..I couldn’t make a fuss of her even if I wanted to as I became allergic to her about 8 years ago …..she is 14.5 now.

Anyway back to my boy. Statto was out celebrating with his new friends in Sheffield on Thursday night, then with his University friends in Guildford on Friday night, before coming home for a quiet night in with us tonight (Saturday 22nd October 2011).  Why the celebrations? today he turned 21.

When he was a little boy he collected football stickers. Everyday we would count them, how many he had collected and how many he needed to complete each team. By the time he started school he could count to 500. When he was 6 his teacher had him statemented as a gifted child. At junior school his teachers were dumbfounded at his ability to work out complicated maths sums in his head quicker than they could write them down.

At senior school he soon had a reputation within the maths department. Again he was identified as a gifted child and put forward for the Naturally gifted child program which he declined to take up. During his GCSE course he never dropped a single point in any of his exams. Obviously he gained A* for his maths GCSE with maximum points.

He then went on to college where he studied both Maths and Pure Maths at A Level, along with Law and IT. He of course earned himself 4 Grade A’s in his A levels. I can’t remember at what age he decided he was going to go to University to study Maths, I am pretty sure he was still at junior school at the time.

He was going to apply for Oxford but decided that it wasn’t for him. He is good at maths ….very good at it even but it is not everything to him. He loves sport especially football and cricket and knows all the stats about all the premier clubs in both sports. Hence his nickname. He felt that it was enough to know that he could have gone to Oxford if he had wanted to. Eventually he chose to go to University of Surrey. Partly because they have a good scholarship program but also because he would have the opportunity to do a year of work experience.

Now he has completed his first two years of University and begun his year of work experience. He is working for NHS in Sheffield (for those of you who don’t know that is a city in the north east of England). He has been there since the start of August so a little under 3 months, yet he has already made his mark there. He was asked to help out with the creation of  an automated excel spreadsheet to make graphs of cancer data simpler and easier to access. He ended up taking over the whole project and is now going to Loughborough to do a presentation on it to chiefs from NHS NE region. If they approve of what he has created it could become nationwide throughout the NHS.

I think he has every right to be proud of himself. Just as I am a very proud mother. I would be very suprised if at the end of his degree he doesn’t get a job offer from NHS. Which in the current climate of job losses can only be a good thing.

We have been discussing the disappoint of discovering that many of our peers are uninterested in anything that goes on outside their own lives. We both feel a need to have people in our lives who we can discuss wider topics with. Whether it is the fall of Gadaffi, the state of the English Education system or the lack of resources in poorer countries. The latest football scores or the previous night’s tv are of course well covered topics of conversation but come on people there is more to life. I am pleased that all of my sons are interested to know more even if they don’t understand certain situations in the world they are interested in learning about it.

 

 

And then he kissed me

It was only a week since that first tentative message but on Friday he asked if we could meet. We arranged to meet on Sunday, both travelling to Chichester by train. Mine arriving 20 minutes before his.

We recognised each other instantly. (Ok so a few minutes earlier I thought another guy was him but when I did see him I knew immediately) . We walked around the city centre not knowing or caring where we were going. We talked as we walked, there were no awkward pauses. He steered me into a coffee shop, where much to his amusement I ordered tea.

We continued to talk, our cold empty cups forgotten as our stories began to unfold. Stepping out into the light drizzle we continued our chatter. Until finally we found ourselves back at the station. My train would leave before his so we found a bench where we sat oh so close, until with disappointment I realised my train had arrived.

Standing we moved towards the door of the carriage …………

And then he kissed me, not once or twice but three times

It’s just a number isn’t it?

In our office 3 out of 11 of our staff are turning 50 over the next 6 months. It is only a number isn’t it. So why is it that two of the three would prefer that nobody knew their real age.   Neither of them want a fuss, no big deal, one doesn’t ever celebrate no matter what the number is.

For me age is not really an issue. If I am asked how old I am I generally say ‘old enough to know better and young enough to enjoy it ‘. However if they really want to know then I don’t have a problem with saying that I am 49.  Like I said it is only a number after all.

But I have been thinking about how I feel about turning 50 in the spring . The number 50 is not a problem for me but I am beginning to feel  short changed.  I feel short changed not because I feel old, I actually still feel very young. However I feel I have been cheated. Even if I live to be 100 I know I won’t be one of those elderly pensioners who is still able to do everything they want to do when they are in their 90s. Therefore I need to get a move on if I want to fulfil everything I want to achieve in my life.

I don’t mind that I am going to be 50 but please can I turn the clock back to be 40 again. Purely because now that I am happy with who I am, together with the fact that my children are no longer children. In the next few years I am going to be in a position to be able to do more with my life but I am afraid that my time is running out. I need to go back to being 40 so that I can physically manage to fit in everything that I will soon be able to start doing.

I find it a scary thought that because I have a tendency to date men who are older than me, I now find that a growing number of those men are already grandfathers. I don’t want to be a grandparent yet. Further more it worries me that those same men (grandparents or not) are nearing retirement age. I’m too young to be dating a pensioner. The numbers might say that I am going to be 50 but in my mind I am no more than 20 if that.

In my life I have done very little travelling and there is so much of this world of ours that I would like to see. So many friends across the world I would love to visit. I have not yet had a holiday anywhere hot. From what I hear from others the older you get the harder it becomes to cope with the heat. Have I missed my chance?

So I conclude that although I don’t mind that I am about to be 50 can I please be a 40 yr old 50 ? please please. I promise I won’t waste the extra years.

I am surviving thank you very much

I will survive  ~ Gloria Gaynor

I will survive ~ Simply Anna

 

———————————————–

 First I was afraid

You  made me feel so small

I was petrified

You bullied me without me realising it

Kept thinking I could never live

You told me nobody would want me

without you by my side

How could I manage on my own with four children

But I spent so many nights

It was a long time before I could relax

thinking how you did me wrong

Afraid you would return

I grew strong

I grew strong

I learned how to carry on

I learned how to carry on

and so you’re back

But you won’t disappear

from outer space

into outer space

I just walked in to find you here

You keep calling

with that sad look upon your face

Wanting to try again

I should have changed my stupid lock

I changed the locks immediately

I should have made you leave your key

Your key wouldn’t help you

If I had known for just one second

I hoped and prayed that

you’d be back to bother me

you would stop bothering me

Go on now go walk out the door

Go on Now leave me alone

just turn around now

Delete my number don’t ever call

’cause you’re not welcome anymore

Cause your voice is not welcome in my ear

weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with threats

you think I’d crumble

You thought I would crumble

you think I’d lay down and die

You thought you could make me lose my mind

Oh no, not I

Oh no, not I

I will survive

I have survived

as long as i know how to love

 As long as I know how to love

I know I will stay alive

I know I will stay alive

I’ve got all my life to live

I’ve got all my life to live

I’ve got all my love to give

I’ve got all my love to give

and I’ll survive

and I’ll survive

I will survive

 I will survive

It took all the strength I had

It took all the strength I had

not to fall apart

not to fall apart

kept trying hard to mend

kept trying hard to mend

the pieces of my broken heart

the pieces of my damaged confidence

and I spent oh so many nights

 and I spent oh so many nights

just feeling sorry for myself

 glad you were gone

I used to cry

 I used to cringe

Now I hold my head up high

Now I hold my head up high

and you see me

and you see me

somebody new

somebody new

I’m not that chained up little person

I’m not that chained up little person

still in love with you

still afraid of you

and so you felt like dropping in

and so you felt like calling up

and just expect me to be free

and just expect me to be free

now I’m saving all my loving

Now I’m saving all my loving

for someone who’s loving me

for someone who will cherish me

Lonely old spinster……noooooooo

Last night I was chatting to a male friend online. During the chat he suddenly asked me how my love life is going.

I cheerfully replied that I don’t have one at the moment. I am just enjoying the relationship I have with my boys. It will only be a few years before they are all off living their own lives getting married moving away etc. Already two are living away from home, another is planning to go to University next year and youngest won’t be far behind.

I am lucky that I have a good relationship with all of my boys. I absolutely dreaded the awful stroppy teenage years. But to my delight Prodigal got through his mid teens without sign of any tension between us. I couldn’t possibly be that lucky a second time but I was and a third and I have managed to get through most of Skater’s mid teens unscathed too ……..fingers crossed behind my back that the next few years will continue the same way.

When I was first divorced I couldn’t wait to be on my own, my boys all leading their own lives so I could finally have a life of my own…….stupid woman that I was. But 5 years down the line I realise how precious these few years are.  My boys are not small children any more, but they do still love and want their mother’s approval. I don’t know if they are the way they are with me because they have witnessed my struggles. Maybe it has something to do with them knowing that we are all lucky that I am still alive. I really don’t know but the five of us are all really close.

But I am very aware that things will change once they start having families of their own. So I am making the most of this special bond we have before it changes.

My friend doesn’t understand this and quite bluntly stated that I should be careful I don’t end up a lonely old spinster. (impossible as not only have I been married but as you know I am not childless).

I am putting his statement down to disappointment that I told him a few months ago that although I am happy to be friends with him I am not interested in a relationship. There are several male friends in my life who this applies to. I feel bad that these men have feelings for me (probably more lust than love) but I care for them as friends only. I am flattered that they want to be with me but I know that it would never work even if I did fancy them.

I can’t abide negative people, people who are always moaning (not in a sexual way). Life is what it is and we have to make the most of what we have. Not spend all our energy complaining about what we don’t have.

Years ago I used to see single women who were desperate to have a man in their life, I swore I would never be like that. But I was for a while after I divorced the other parent. But now I am happy with who I am and who my boys are becoming.  At the moment I don’t need a man in my life. If one came along who fits the bill, happy, intelligent, kind etc etc then I will have to rethink but at at the moment I don’t  feel any rush to find a man.

Will I end up a lonely old spinster ………nooooooo

When the time is right I will find a nice man to have a relationship with.