Archive for September, 2011

just a cough

I am beginning to get paranoid now.

Yet again I hear my friend telling someone

‘no that was just my colleague……… she doesn’t smoke’

It seems that nearly every time one of my colleagues are on the phone the customer comments on the cough in the background.

I seem to have developed a dry tickle cough. It isn’t just now and again it is fairly frequent through out the day. A large part of my work involves speaking on the phone which just aggravates the cough. In my work I find that my voice is one of my best assets so it wouldn’t help me work wise to avoid the phone.

I am beginning to get paranoid about all the comments about smokers cough. I wouldn’t mind that so much if I was a smoker. Ok so I was a smoker, not a heavy smoker (less than 15 per day at the most). But I have not smoked since September 1988 (23yrs).

No this cough has nothing to do with smoking or dust or asthma. This cough was given to me by one of the doctors at the surgery I am registered with. He didn’t just wrap up a cough and present it to me. No he gave me a green slip of paper with my name age and address that I then presented to our local pharmacist who passed to me a green paper bag containing two small boxes (small meaning fit into the palm of my hand). Inside these boxes were two (4 in total) blister packs of small red and white capsules.

It had been decided that following repeated tests that although not normally a concern my slightly high blood pressure needed treatment due to my diabetes which was diagnosed in 2009. When prescribing this medication the doctor had warned me that there was a possibility that I might develop a dry cough. He wasn’t wrong there was he!! I just didn’t realise quite how much this would affect me.

So if you happen to be talking on the phone and hear a dry cough in the background ……….think of me .


September 27, 2011 at 10:14 pm 4 comments

some highlight that is

Having just been asked how my weekend has been I suddenly realise that although I was deliberately having a quiet lazy weekend the highlight might have been…………….

having my annual flu jab

Now there has got to be something wrong if that is the only thing that has happened in two days.

or perhaps it was the paltry smattering of text messages from ‘ the man who kissed me’.

or maybe the stream of messages followed by a telephone conversation with another potential date

September 26, 2011 at 12:55 am 4 comments

Driving there, there and there

I enjoy driving which is quite a good thing seeing as I am the primary driver in my family. There was a time when my mother took me to places. These days when she needs to go anywhere outside of our little town I drive her.

But because I work full time this means that long journeys take place at weekends or on days I take off from work. My mother aka 56 whilst never a good driver was very independent and would take herself off to all sorts of places. This included long weekends to visit my paternal grandmother in north Gloucestershire. But just under 5 years ago 56 had a knee replacement op. It wasn’t straightforward as she had other problems with her leg apart from the knee joint.  She has not walked more than a few paces without a stick since. I have lost count now but think she has had about 4 different ops on that knee in the eight years since she retired. She is currently able to drive but only short distances.

Visits to my grandmother are now much shorter, often with me driving there and back in one day or perhaps with one overnight stay. She is now in a nursing home (aged 93) so visits have become less frequent. This is partly because my grandmother no-longer knows who we are. It is a long way to drive to spend an hour with someone who thinks we are social workers. I am feeling guilty for not visiting my grandmother more than I have done in recent months.

Another reason I cannot visit her as often is that I also act as chauffeur to my sons. There have been trips to Guildford  where Statto was living/studying. Trips to Southampton where Prodigal was living/studying (he has now moved nearer to home). Statto had to be moved to Sheffield where he began a year’s work experience last month.

Just when I have Prodigal and Statto settled in their new homes along comes the next phase of ‘project empty nest’. Pug has now decided that he also wishes to go to Uni. so starting next week  we begin the University Open Days tour.

Stage one of this current tour begins with a 4 hour drive to Norwich next Friday where we will stay overnight (having dinner with family friends). 56 will be going with us and spending Saturday with these friends while I spend 6 hours with Pug at University of East Anglia before the 3 of us make the 4 hour journey home ……guess who will be driving.

Stage two comprises of a 2.5 hr drive at the crack of dawn on Saturday  8th October to University of Kent (Canterbury) 6 hrs on campus and 2.5 hrs drive home (just the two of us this time). I might resort to takeaway for dinner that night as I shall have to be in bed early.

Stage three quickly follows stage two in that we will have to leave home at 6.00am to drive to University of Herfordshire  (Hatfield) ready for a 9am start on Sunday 9th October. Once we have spent 6 hours there and have done the 2 hour drive back home I will probably fall into bed without dinner……will have to be alert for work next day as we are going to be one short in the office due to annual leave.

So that is the next two weekends taken care of will I get to have a rest the following weekend, of course not. I shall be finishing work at 4pm on Friday 14th October and heading straight off to Eastbourne, I hope the traffic won’t be bad as dinner in the hotel restaurant is at 6.30  that night. It is the area Rotary conference weekend. Last year I accompanied 56 to the conference in Jersey, this year it is Eastbourne. There will be entertainment in the conference hotel on Friday night. I may or may not go to some of the many talks on Saturday then it is the gala dinner in the evening. Back home again some time on Sunday.

Just in time for another hard week at work while I deputise for my senior colleague on his week off. I think Statto will be home the following weekend for his 21st. I think I then get two weekends free before stage 4 is the long trek up to Stoke on Friday 11 November. for University of Staffordshire.

Maybe I might find time to see ‘ the man who kissed me‘ eventually.

Oh and somewhere along the line will be the open evenings for local colleges that Skater needs to visit. That basically means every college within 20 miles of here.

September 24, 2011 at 4:52 pm 5 comments

I refuse

I refuse to be dragged back

It has been 5.5 yrs since I was legally released

I refuse to go back

I mentally left him 6.5 yrs ago

I refuse to take him back

Yet still he tries

I refuse to give in

He wants me back

I refuse to reconsider

Every little ailment he shares

I refuse to listen

He wants my support

I refuse to give it

He thinks he has cancer (it isn’t)

I refuse to sympathise

He breaks down in town and gets taken to hospital (second time in a few months)

I refuse to be made to feel guilt

September 24, 2011 at 10:44 am 5 comments

And then he kissed me

It was only a week since that first tentative message but on Friday he asked if we could meet. We arranged to meet on Sunday, both travelling to Chichester by train. Mine arriving 20 minutes before his.

We recognised each other instantly. (Ok so a few minutes earlier I thought another guy was him but when I did see him I knew immediately) . We walked around the city centre not knowing or caring where we were going. We talked as we walked, there were no awkward pauses. He steered me into a coffee shop, where much to his amusement I ordered tea.

We continued to talk, our cold empty cups forgotten as our stories began to unfold. Stepping out into the light drizzle we continued our chatter. Until finally we found ourselves back at the station. My train would leave before his so we found a bench where we sat oh so close, until with disappointment I realised my train had arrived.

Standing we moved towards the door of the carriage …………

And then he kissed me, not once or twice but three times

September 21, 2011 at 12:56 am 3 comments

It’s just a number isn’t it?

In our office 3 out of 11 of our staff are turning 50 over the next 6 months. It is only a number isn’t it. So why is it that two of the three would prefer that nobody knew their real age.   Neither of them want a fuss, no big deal, one doesn’t ever celebrate no matter what the number is.

For me age is not really an issue. If I am asked how old I am I generally say ‘old enough to know better and young enough to enjoy it ‘. However if they really want to know then I don’t have a problem with saying that I am 49.  Like I said it is only a number after all.

But I have been thinking about how I feel about turning 50 in the spring . The number 50 is not a problem for me but I am beginning to feel  short changed.  I feel short changed not because I feel old, I actually still feel very young. However I feel I have been cheated. Even if I live to be 100 I know I won’t be one of those elderly pensioners who is still able to do everything they want to do when they are in their 90s. Therefore I need to get a move on if I want to fulfil everything I want to achieve in my life.

I don’t mind that I am going to be 50 but please can I turn the clock back to be 40 again. Purely because now that I am happy with who I am, together with the fact that my children are no longer children. In the next few years I am going to be in a position to be able to do more with my life but I am afraid that my time is running out. I need to go back to being 40 so that I can physically manage to fit in everything that I will soon be able to start doing.

I find it a scary thought that because I have a tendency to date men who are older than me, I now find that a growing number of those men are already grandfathers. I don’t want to be a grandparent yet. Further more it worries me that those same men (grandparents or not) are nearing retirement age. I’m too young to be dating a pensioner. The numbers might say that I am going to be 50 but in my mind I am no more than 20 if that.

In my life I have done very little travelling and there is so much of this world of ours that I would like to see. So many friends across the world I would love to visit. I have not yet had a holiday anywhere hot. From what I hear from others the older you get the harder it becomes to cope with the heat. Have I missed my chance?

So I conclude that although I don’t mind that I am about to be 50 can I please be a 40 yr old 50 ? please please. I promise I won’t waste the extra years.

September 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm 12 comments

I am surviving thank you very much

I will survive  ~ Gloria Gaynor

I will survive ~ Simply Anna



 First I was afraid

You  made me feel so small

I was petrified

You bullied me without me realising it

Kept thinking I could never live

You told me nobody would want me

without you by my side

How could I manage on my own with four children

But I spent so many nights

It was a long time before I could relax

thinking how you did me wrong

Afraid you would return

I grew strong

I grew strong

I learned how to carry on

I learned how to carry on

and so you’re back

But you won’t disappear

from outer space

into outer space

I just walked in to find you here

You keep calling

with that sad look upon your face

Wanting to try again

I should have changed my stupid lock

I changed the locks immediately

I should have made you leave your key

Your key wouldn’t help you

If I had known for just one second

I hoped and prayed that

you’d be back to bother me

you would stop bothering me

Go on now go walk out the door

Go on Now leave me alone

just turn around now

Delete my number don’t ever call

’cause you’re not welcome anymore

Cause your voice is not welcome in my ear

weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with threats

you think I’d crumble

You thought I would crumble

you think I’d lay down and die

You thought you could make me lose my mind

Oh no, not I

Oh no, not I

I will survive

I have survived

as long as i know how to love

 As long as I know how to love

I know I will stay alive

I know I will stay alive

I’ve got all my life to live

I’ve got all my life to live

I’ve got all my love to give

I’ve got all my love to give

and I’ll survive

and I’ll survive

I will survive

 I will survive

It took all the strength I had

It took all the strength I had

not to fall apart

not to fall apart

kept trying hard to mend

kept trying hard to mend

the pieces of my broken heart

the pieces of my damaged confidence

and I spent oh so many nights

 and I spent oh so many nights

just feeling sorry for myself

 glad you were gone

I used to cry

 I used to cringe

Now I hold my head up high

Now I hold my head up high

and you see me

and you see me

somebody new

somebody new

I’m not that chained up little person

I’m not that chained up little person

still in love with you

still afraid of you

and so you felt like dropping in

and so you felt like calling up

and just expect me to be free

and just expect me to be free

now I’m saving all my loving

Now I’m saving all my loving

for someone who’s loving me

for someone who will cherish me

September 10, 2011 at 5:04 pm 8 comments

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